


Would That Be Enough

by justswimdown



Series: Working Through the Unimaginable [1]
Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Established Relationship, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Implied Sexual Content, Infidelity, M/M, Oneshot, inaccurate voting and citizenship rules
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-12
Updated: 2020-10-12
Packaged: 2021-03-07 17:07:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,681
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26971120
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/justswimdown/pseuds/justswimdown
Summary: Alexander wants a baby.Thomas contemplates their relationship and how it's changed since the first time they discussed it.
Relationships: Alexander Hamilton/Thomas Jefferson
Series: Working Through the Unimaginable [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1987069
Comments: 7
Kudos: 63





	Would That Be Enough

**Author's Note:**

> Not me writing this instead of doing my uni work
> 
> This is my first fanfic ever so plz plz comment and let me know what you think!!

Alexander wanted a baby.

Thomas had known it for years. He had known it from the look on his face when he had held Lafayette and Adrienne’s baby after she had arrived, and had known it from his silence as they drove back to their apartment that evening.

They had toyed with the idea for months after that. Alex always brought it up hypothetically, never quite asking outright. 

“I could work from home,” he said as he undressed one night, before he continued in response to Thomas’ raised eyebrows, “I could write full-time. Y’know, until they started school.”

Thomas snorted, “Yeah, because you’d be satisfied without having a twelve hour work-day.” He kissed him as Alex climbed into bed. As he settled into Thomas’ side he sighed and went on, “I can work from home. As long as you start working normal hours, we can make it work.” He hadn’t thought about it until that point, had never really considered having children in any meaningful way before he and Alex had started building a life together, but he knew as he said it that he meant it.

Alex laced their fingers together and didn’t say anything but Thomas could feel his smile against his chest. It was only as he drifted off to sleep that Thomas realised he had said ‘can’ instead of ‘could’.

“We’d have to get someplace bigger,” he had said a while later even though they both knew Thomas’ townhouse, which Alex hadn’t quite gotten used to the opulence of yet, would be plenty big enough.

Thomas had hummed in response and didn’t pretend to not know what he was talking about. “Monticello would be nice.”

Alex looked up at him from where his head lay in his lap as Thomas ran his fingers through his hair. It was a rare moment when Thomas had managed to pull him away from his work and they sat together in relative silence on the sofa, doing nothing but enjoying each others’ company. 

“Yeah. It would,” he said after a few moments of silence. They smiled at each other, both of them knowing the significance of what he had agreed to.

During their time together, Thomas had found out that the move from New York to DC had been a lot for Alex to sacrifice for his position in Washington’s cabinet, where they would meet before spending a long time, too long, as bitter rivals before finally falling into bed together.  
That was why they had both relocated to New York, the city that had first welcomed Alexander when he first emigrated all those years ago, once Washington’s term as president ended so that he could return to the old law practice that he had started after the war. That was also why, even though he ached to return to Virginia and the home he had built himself at Monticello, he only brought it up from time to time and as Alex’s answer changed over the years from a “not now” to a “not yet” and eventually a “soon”, he decided that he would not push the issue but would simply wait.

It was this compromise that made them book their first appointment at the adoption agency. Thomas could feel Alex brimming with joy next to him on the way there and he himself couldn’t stop grinning.

But then there had been a wrinkle.

A small wrinkle in the grand scheme of things, but still one that left Alexander deflated on the drive home that same day and Thomas gripping the steering wheel more tightly than necessary.

Alexander was able to vote due to a supposed loophole of being a natural born citizen as he had been born in the Caribbean, was ruled by the British just as the American colonies had been. This loophole had never been followed up on in the scramble that comes with starting a new nation and out of respect that ‘of course Alexander Hamilton should be able to vote for the government that he helped to form’. As such, the act of confirming his US citizenship had fallen by the wayside as Alex already had the one part of that citizenship that mattered the most to him.

Until now.

As the lady at the adoption agency had told them, in order to adopt a child he would need to be a US citizen. This would not stop Thomas from being eligible to adopt but neither of them bothered to suggest this idea. They would do this on equal footing. 

Alexander only needed that drive back from the adoption agency to decide he would face this wrinkle the same way he had faced every problem that had come his way over the course of his life and summon the same resolve that had made Thomas fall in love with in the first place.

But then the wrinkle turned out to be a little more complicated.

The loose immigration and citizenship rules that immediately followed the revolution had in recent years not only been tightened but made deliberately difficult to get through. Whereas he would previously have been able to apply the same loophole that claimed him as a natural born citizen and allowed him to vote, he would now have hoops to jump through as well as have to take a test to prove his eligibility.

This development, as well as adding to Alexander’s ever-present stress from his hectic hours at his law firm, had the additional effect of creating an unspoken tension between them both. They were both aware that these were the same citizenship rules that were introduced as part of the new immigration policy that Thomas had overseen the passing of during his time as Secretary of State.  
This fact persisted in the air between them, a fact that neither of them wanted to address directly but could not be ignored entirely.

“I can’t tonight, I have too much to do here,” he said when Thomas phoned to ask if Alex could please, since it’s a Friday night, get home before 9pm. He then added, with a slight bitterness that he most likely didn’t intend to slip into his voice, “Besides, I haven’t done any studying yet today for this test.”

Thomas pinched the top of his nose and stopped in his path where he had been pacing around the living room. Then, swallowing his pride, he asked, “Do you want to talk about it?”

A beat passed, followed by a quiet sigh. “I don’t blame you.” That was a yes, then.

“I am sorry, for what it’s worth. But if I could justify myself-”

“I have a feeling you’re about to.”

“-It would have passed with or without my support. We needed clearer immigration rules and it wasn’t perfect but-”

He was cut off by chuckling on the other end. “My, my, did Thomas Jefferson just admit that one of his policies wasn’t perfect?” Thomas, in spite of himself, rolled his eyes and let a small smile slip. Alex sighed again, “A few years ago I would have been happy to tear you apart for this.”

“You did, as I recall. Pretty sure the cabinet room walls are still shaking.”

“Well, then. There’s no need for me to repeat myself is there?” Thomas could hear the smile in his voice too. “...I’m glad we stopped fighting all the time.”

“Me too,” Thomas said softly, and then, trying his luck, “I have an idea for how I can apologise some more if you come home soon.”

“I’ll be there in twenty.”

The tension didn’t completely dissipate, but Thomas figured that it wouldn’t until Alexander held his new US passport in his own two hands, and then it was time for summer break. Thomas, who himself had reached his limit for the amount of time he could spend in New York in one stretch, had urged Alexander to take a break and come with him to Monticello for the couple of weeks before he was due to take his test. 

But he refused to. Alexander had taken on more work at his law firm to allow his employees to take their own vacations and continued to spend his evenings studying for the citizenship test, even though he would be able to pass it with little difficulty.

“I just don’t want to blow my shot,” he had said when Thomas was incredulous to find him studying in the kitchen one morning. Instead of protesting, he simply deflated, kissed him on the head and made Alex another cup of coffee. 

There was another solution to this problem, one which wouldn’t require Alex to take a test or prove anything to anyone and which would put an end to this stress. It lay in the small black box that had been locked away in Thomas’ desk drawer for close to a year now, since before the first hypothetical discussions about children, waiting for Thomas to find the right time, the right moment. 

But this wasn’t the right time and it wasn’t the right moment. He didn’t want Alex to think it would be for the wrong reasons, that it would be for the simplicity of it and not because Thomas meant it with his whole heart. 

So, Thomas went to Virginia alone. He was gone for two weeks.

Two weeks.

When he arrived home early as a surprise, after Alex was due to have taken the test, he had expected to spend the day celebrating with him. Maybe they would have eaten at their favourite restaurant. Maybe they would have met at a bar with all of their friends like they had when they first started dating back in DC. Maybe they would simply have spent the day wrapped in each other’s arms and thought of nothing outside of their bed.

It might have even been when Thomas finally opened the locked drawer in his desk.

Thomas never found out what that day of celebrating would look like. Instead of being pleased to see him after two weeks of missing him as much as Thomas had Alexander, Thomas was greeted by a stricken expression on Alexander’s face and a scene that he would never be able to forget.

He scarcely looked at the woman as she scurried to leave - he didn’t want to put colour into his nightmares - but instead held himself rigid against the wall in the hallway until he collapsed into it and screwed his eyes shut when the door closed behind her.

“Thomas-”

“When did it start?”

“I- Thomas-”

“How long?” he tried again

“Not long- I promise, I promise not long-”

“Was it before or after we started talking about adopting?” Has it been since before I’ve wanted to marry you?

His voice was stronger than he felt. He felt as though the world was falling away from him, as though he might fall through the floor and never get up again. He opened his eyes to see Alexander start to reach over to him but think better of it.

He saw Alexander swallow. “Only since you left.”  


_Two weeks._

The next few hours are a blur in Thomas’ memory. He shouted and so did Alex. It would have been like one of their old debates in the cabinet room at the White House, if not for both of them crying and how Alexander followed him around the house as he begged for him to stay, for them to talk about it, all the while Thomas hastily packed what he could find of his into a suitcase with none of his usual care, unable to look at Alexander in the face.

He had been certain when they first got together that it would all come crumbling down eventually, that such a good thing in Thomas’ life could never last, and just when he had began to think that, maybe, it would all be okay, that this could be forever…

He stopped at the door that he had only stepped through a few hours earlier, though it felt like days, and listened to Alex’s final sobs to stay.

“Please don’t- please don’t go, we can work it out- I can sleep in the office-”

The office. The office where a ring was hidden, tucked away in a locked drawer. The office that they had - hypothetically - discussed turning into a nursery.

It was this thought that made him turn around, press a hard kiss to Alexander’s head and hold his forehead against his. Because, damnit, he still wanted all of it.  
But not right now.

“I’ll be back. I just need some space first.”

Alex let out a shuddering breath as some more tears trailed down his face.  
“I love you,” he croaked to his back and Thomas caught it just before he closed the door behind him and stepped out onto the street.

He clung to that ‘I love you’ the entire drive back to Monticello.

Two months passed with Thomas in Virginia and Alexander in New York.

James, who had returned to Virginia himself in order to concentrate on his health after his term in the senate had ended, spent a lot of time at Monticello to keep Thomas company. He made sure that he was looking after himself and that he wasn’t using his time back in Monticello to simply wallow in self-pity. He allowed him to rant about all of it, and occasionally cry although Thomas tried his best to do that when he was alone. Although James was not someone with many kind things to say about Alexander, he did not indulge his tirades about never returning to New York and never seeing him again.

“You still have to talk it through with him. Properly,” he would remind him.

They had been talking. Not about what had happened, what Alex had done, but they had been talking. Thomas would phone him in the mid-week, would make sure that he wasn’t working himself too hard and that he wasn’t alone. Alex would reassure him that he was trying to get home each day at a reasonable hour and that John and Laf had been getting him to leave the house.

“They haven’t been letting me off easy,” he made sure he knew. “They know what I’ve done.” Thomas was able to translate this to ‘I know what I’ve done, I’m not the one who deserves comfort.’

The topic could not be avoided completely. Alex told him that she had worked at his firm, that he had since helped her to find a new job so that he wouldn’t see her again, and that none of it was her fault but entirely Alexander’s. Thomas had said that he didn’t want to know her name so Alex didn’t give it.

Alex asked about Thomas during these calls too. He asked after James out of politeness, asked how Virginia was, how Thomas was doing. A month into their ‘space’ from each other Alex told him he had decided to go on leave from work, something which Thomas had never known him to do in the entire time that he had known him, and offered to come down to Monticello. Thomas had said no.

Alex ended each phone call by saying that he was sorry and that he loved him. He never asked for his forgiveness and he never asked Thomas when he would be home. After each phone call and apology that came with it, Thomas was a little more sure that he meant it.

The decision to return to New York came spontaneously. He woke up one morning and when he reached over on the bed but felt nothing but air, he knew it was time to leave. He had avoided it for long enough.  
He spent the day slowly packing his things and went for one last walk around the garden with James before he finally got in his car in the afternoon and started the six hour journey.

It was dark by the time he got back to their house uptown. After taking a few minutes to sit in his car he finally got out and opened the front door only to frown.

The house was completely dark. It wasn’t yet 11 o’clock and it was rare for Alex to go to bed before midnight, but he figured he must have simply decided to have decided to have an early night and left his bags by the door before he crept up the stairs to the bedroom.  
He was even more confused to not only discover the bedroom to be empty but the room had a sense of stillness that made it seem as though the bed had not been touched in weeks.  
Thomas was beginning to grow concerned now and his heart hammered in his chest but he supposed he must simply be out. After all, he had not told Alex that he would be back tonight.

He wandered down to the living room and was about to text either Lafayette or John to ask if he was with either of them when he spotted the figure laying on the sofa in a tight ball.  
He flicked the side-lights on so as not to wake him and let out a sigh of relief as he watched him breathe for a few long moments.

Alexander was lying with a pillow and one of the spare blankets that they kept upstairs in one of his spare rooms and as Thomas knelt on the floor beside him he noticed that the bags under his eyes, which were practically permanent, were especially prominent now and that his beard was more unkempt than usual.

He stirred slightly as Thomas brushed some of the hair out of his face. 

“Thomas?” he whispered as his eyes cracked open.

“Why aren’t you in bed?” he whispered back, but instead of answering Alex sat up with a start, buried his face in Thomas’ shoulder and wrapped his arms tightly around his chest, as though he might disappear were he to let go.

As reluctant as he was to let go of him after so long apart, Thomas eventually managed to unsnake Alex’s arms from around him to make them both some tea.  
If Alex was annoyed at being brought peppermint tea instead of coffee he didn’t say anything. He instead clutched the mug like it was a life-line and watched Thomas sit on an armchair opposite from him.

“Why are you on the sofa?” He tried again.

Alex shrugged and looked away. “Sleeping in a bed was too strange without you there. It was only going to be for a few nights but then…” he trailed off.

Thomas couldn’t help but quirk a small smile. “That’s why I came back. I couldn’t stand waking up without you next to me anymore.”

Alex opened his mouth to speak before he closed it again. He sipped his tea before he tried again. “You came back.”

“I did.”  


“Does this mean- Do you-” Thomas knew what he was trying to ask, what he had refrained from asking over the last two months.

“Why did you do it?” Thomas asked, before he took a breath and finally voiced what had been at the back of his mind ever since he walked in at the worst time and saw something that he would never be able to unsee, “Was I not enough?”

Alexander looked startled by this question and started to reach for him, just as he had two months ago, “You’re more than enough, you’ll always be enough-” He closed his eyes for a moment and Thomas saw some tears leak out before he opened them again and looked Thomas directly in the face. “I know I don’t deserve you and I can’t ask you to forgive me so I won’t. But- if you let me stay here by your side, that would be enough.”

But Thomas had already forgiven him. He wasn’t sure if it had been when he found Alex curled on the sofa, sometime during his time in Monticello or if it had even been immediately. All he knew for sure in that moment was that he had forgiven him.

He reached towards him, as Alex had just done, and joined their hands. He returned Alexander’s hopeful, almost disbelieving, expression with a smile.

“Let’s go to bed. It’s late.”

It has been nearly a year since Thomas Jefferson returned to New York and forgave Alexander Hamilton. 

Looking at them now, Thomas doesn’t think that anyone would be able to guess what had happened all that time ago and it had taken a lot of work and effort to be able to get to this point. Thomas has no doubt, as he watches Alex work on the porch at Monticello, that all that effort was worth it.

Even now though, despite Alexander’s assurance that Thomas alone would be enough, he knows.

He knows that Alexander still wants a baby.

Alex hasn’t brought it up. Not outright and not even hypothetically. Thomas had waited for him to, always aware of the new passport that went unacknowledged and lay next to Thomas’ in the kitchen drawer, but he has gradually come to realise that he won’t.

He won’t ask it of him in the same way that he never asked for his forgiveness and never asked for him to come home. He is waiting for Thomas to decide for himself.

That was why, before they left for their summer trip to Monticello that Alexander this time needed no convincing to join Thomas on, he had finally unlocked the drawer in his desk to find the one thing that would resolve any doubt that Alex might have about Thomas’ forgiveness.

As softly as he can, he takes a seat next to where Alex is working and places the box on the table before sliding it along until it hits Alexander’s laptop.

He watches as Alex snaps his eyes to it, blinks, and then turns his head to look Thomas in the eyes.

Thomas thinks it’s the happiest he has seen him in a year.

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you enjoyed it!!
> 
> I originally thought I would end it with them adopting the baby but I thought this ending worked better, and in case you were wondering it was Maria that Alex had an affair with but I decided to not make that explicitly clear.
> 
> This is the first fanfic that I've ever written and I love getting feedback on my writing so please comment and let me know what you thought!! It would mean the world to me


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